The term narcissist is frequently misused. For example, during the last election, Trump was described as a narcissist. To identify a narcissist, one needs to know the internal thinking of the person. More men than women are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder(NPD), in my opinion, that is because women can hide the disorder better. Mother and wives who have NPD can do tremendous psychological damage to their child and husbands. Female narcissists are extremely good at twisting the truth and appearing the victim. This post will examine the female narcissist. First, let’s examine what a narcissist is.

What is a narcissist?

Narcissistic personality disorder(NPD) is often associated with bipolar disorder. In both cases, it can appear as if you are dealing with two different personalities. With the narcissist, the person can be extremely charming and personable then they will switch and start transferring blame onto their victims. The best descriptions of a narcissist are by M Scott Peck, the Christian American psychiatrist.

Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality, like the sociopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness. People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil

The difference between a sociopath/psychopath and a narcissist is the narcissist appears to base their decisions on morality or popular opinion. James H. Fallon the researcher who studied psychopaths, was able to get the psychopath to described the reasoning behind their decisions. If there are no legal repercussions, the psychopath was more than willing explain his reasoning. Their reasoning was extremely logical, it just lacked a moral basis. On the other hand, the narcissist even if confronted with the truth, will deny. If the narcissist can not escape the truth, they will attempt to deflect.

Narcissist sees themselves as perfect

The sociopath, unlike the narcissist, can disconnect from their ego. With the narcissist, they start to believe the lies which they have used to create an alter-ego.

The evil are pathologically attached to the status quo of their personalities, which in their narcissism they consciously regard as perfect. I think it is quite possible that the evil may perceive even a small degree of change in their beloved selves as representing total annihilation. People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil

Within the narcissist, there are two egos, the real ego, and the alter-ego the narcissist uses to hide their real ego. Unlike M Scott Peck, I do not believe in demonic possession but you can see how it would explain things. If you viewed the alter-ego as a demonic possession, this ego has taken over the narcissist. This is why when confronting the narcissist with the truth, they can become dangerous, essentially you are threatening their alter-ego with distruction.

The narcissist projects their ego onto the world

There are boundaries to the individual soul. And in our dealings with each other, we generally respect these boundaries. It is characteristic of—and a prerequisite for—mental health that our own ego boundaries should be clear and that we should clearly recognize the boundaries of others. We must know where we end and others begin. People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil

The narcissist sees other people as part of themselves. Essentially the narcissist projects their ego over everyone else. If a narcissist is having an affair, they will accuse the other person of having an affair. This projection allows the narcissist to avoid self-examination, it also distracts from the issue that the narcissist is having an affair.

Since the evil, deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world’s fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad.

They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil; on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others…Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and the people I label as evil are chronic scapegoaters….The evil attack others instead of facing their own failures. People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil

M Scott Peck‘s description of a narcissist differs from conventional descriptions which state that the narcissist has a fragile ego. The false ego which he calls evil has dominated the narcissist. They can never accept responsibility for their own actions, they will always attempt to transfer blame to others. This is why conventional therapy for narcissists fails. For therapy to work, the person needs to accept responsibility for their actions. The narcissist can never accept responsibility because it will destroy their false ego which will result in their own destruction.

Why the female narcissist is rarely discovered

The most effective liars are ones who believe their own lies. The female narcissist relies on gas-lighting their victims, as in making their victims doubt their own sense of reality. She benefits from playing the victim, in the process she scapegoats other people.

What, pray tell, is female power and male powerlessness? For starters, from the male perspective, many women have male-paralyzing beauty power, sexual power, verbal skills, and victim power, even as men are paralyzed by their biological instinct to protect women. Does Feminism Discriminate Against Men?: A Debate

If a man appears to be a victim, he loses power and status. By contrast, a woman who appears to be a victim gains power and status. This is why female narcissists are more likely to remain undiscovered. The female narcissist doesn’t mind being the victim providing in the process she appears to be a hero. Munchausen syndrome by proxy describes parents who harm their children to gain attention and sympathy. An extreme example of this was a mother who would slowly poison her own children to death over a period of months. When she would lose control over the child, one of her sons was getting married, she would poison the child. While slowly killing her son, she pretended to be the heroic caregiver to her son.

The cases that usually go undetected, the narcissistic mother makes the child self-doubt themselves, often she indirectly sabotages them. The sabotage often takes the guise of being caring. Initially, the narcissistic mother will be caring, thoughtful and giving gifts to her child. Then when the child doesn’t do exactly as she wants, she will stop being caring and lash out. If the child becomes angry, the mother then uses that as an excuse to seek help for her child. If the mother goes to therapy with her child, she will always twist it so she is the giving mother and the child is ungrateful. If the child attempts to show otherwise, under a guise of love, she will twist the truth so it appears the child is lying.

The narcissist is an expert at scapegoating. So with the child, she might make the father the scapegoat. Then with her husband, she will then make the child the scapegoat. In both cases, she will play the victim. For both the child and the husband she might appear to be the victim. So with the husband, she tells him that she can not handle the child, he steals and lies. She then might get the husband to punish the child. She then tells the child that she is the one trying to protect him from his father. If chaos erupts, the narcissistic mother enjoys that, since she will be the center of attention.

This cycle repeats itself continuously. The mother is ever attentive and caring for a period of time. Then she will find an excuse to cause conflict and chaos which appearing to be caring. Possibly she might even break down, claim things are all her fault but things will be different in the future. This is why narcissistic personality disorder can appear to be similar to bipolar disorder, it is like you are dealing with two different people. This cycle constantly repeats itself, this causes the victim to be constantly off balance.

Why daughters of single mothers are more likely to be narcissistic

The reason why the female narcissist often goes undetected is because men and women resolve conflicts differently.

Not all is perfectly calm during the juvenile pause. Little girls don’t usually exhibit aggression via rough-and-tumble play, wrestling, and punching the way little boys do. Girls may have, on average, better social skills, empathy, and emotional intelligence than boys—but don’t be fooled. This doesn’t mean that girls’ brains aren’t wired to use everything in their power to get what they want, and they can turn into little tyrants to accomplish their goals. What are those goals as dictated by the little girl’s brain? To forge connection, to create community, and to organize and orchestrate a girl’s world so that she’s at the center of it. This is where the female brain’s aggression plays out—it protects what’s important to it, which is always, inevitably, relationship. But aggression can push others away, and that would undermine the goal of the female brain. So a girl walks a fine line between making sure she’s at the center of her world of relationships and risking pushing those relationships away. The Female Brain

Young girls inherently want to be the center of their social circle. This differs from young boys who inherently want to control things. As children, we grow out of these behaviors. But as I showed in my post The Female Brain - a manipulation machine the female obtains her objectives differently. Inherently men want to be right, even if it doesn’t directly benefit them. By contrast, women do not mind being wrong, providing they achieve their objectives. Therefore a woman doesn’t mind being a victim, providing she obtains her objectives. With the female narcissist, she has no qualms about pretending to be wrong or playing the victim. This is why she is less likely to be discovered compared to the male narcissist. Without a father present, a young girl has a greater tendency to become a narcissist.

The female inherently gets power by proxy, this is why female narcissist is more likely to go undetected. History is full of women who ruled by proxy, Empress Dowager Cixi effectively ruled China by proxy for 47 years from 1861 until 1908. Ruling by proxy isn’t limited to women, if something goes wrong, the person or organization can avoid responsibility. Religion is an example of ruling by proxy, in feudal Europe, the pope had a tremendous amount of influence but no direct power. The ethnic cleansing in the former Yugoslavia, many of the victims were Muslims, it was done by Christian soldiers blessed by priests. Afterward, the Catholic church claimed they didn’t know what was happening, they deny responsibility. Meanwhile, you can find videos of Catholic priests blessing soldiers before they went to do God’s work. Muslim soldiers got blessed also before doing God’s work by their respective clergy unfortunately for them, their God didn’t provide them with as many numbers and as good of weapons.

The two characteristics of children raised by single dads that most surprised me are, first, that they are more likely to be assertive, but less likely to be aggressive, and, even more surprising, that they are more likely to be empathetic.
Apparently, even though moms are themselves more empathetic, giving empathy to a child teaches a child how to receive empathy, but not give it. Dads more often require the child to think of others’ needs by enforcing consequences if the child doesn’t, which makes it in the child’s self-interest to think of others’ needs.
These outcomes occur even though one- and two-year-old children of divorce with developmental disabilities are fifteen times more likely to be given to fathers to raise and even though children who are raised by moms and have problems with drinking, drugs, depression, delinquency, and disobedience are most likely to be given to their dads to “take over” in early teenage years. Does Feminism Discriminate Against Men?: A Debate

Daughters raised by single mothers would get used to receiving empathy but not giving any. Since women prioritize social connections one can assume that a single mother would make excuses for her daughter’s bad behavior. On the other hand, the father will be more concerned about teaching the child the consequences of their actions. One of M Scott Peck‘s reoccurring themes in all his books is accepting responsibility for their actions. With social media, young women can get all the male validation they want. There are some indicators that it increases narcissistic tendencies.

Detecting a female narcissist

Since I distinguish between evil people and ordinary criminals, I also obviously make the distinction between evil as a personality characteristic and evil deeds. In other words, evil deeds do not an evil person make. Otherwise, we should all be evil, because we all do evil things.

Detecting a female narcissist for a man is difficult. To paraphrase M Scott Peck, the difference between a narcissist and a regular person is how they handle errors. The majority of people realize they have committed a wrong by contrast a narcissist hides their wrongs. Most people underestimate the effort and determination that narcissists put into hiding their wrongs. Unless you deal with the narcissist directly, it can be impossible to detect them, on the surface they can appear to upstanding members of the community etc.

A key component of a narcissist is they can be extremely charming. Part of being charming appearing to have the same values and desires as the other person. The woman has the advantage since they are better at reading other people than men. The charming female narcissist knows how to stroke the man’s ego. This then sets the man off guard. Her ultimate goal is to entrap the man psychologically and other ways. Often she might intentionally allow the man to get his way to cater to the man’s ego.

The female narcissist’s tools are projection, scapegoating, gas-lighting and deflection. Projection is combined with scapegoating. She will find a suitable scapegoat, then project her evil intentions onto that target. Under the guise of caring, she will than might warn you about the scapegoat. This deflects from her shortcomings and causes chaos and confusion. She enjoys drama and chaos, providing it deflects from her and gives her the opportunity to be the hero. She is a master of cause a problem then fix it. This then causes you to mistrust others. The mistake most victims realize is they underestimate the length and efforts to which the narcissist will go. Unlike normal criminals, a narcissist isn’t lazy.

The female narcissist is constantly probing for weakness

The fable of Samson and Delilah in the Bible is representative of the female narcissist. She will constantly probe for weakness. She does this by being a temptress and then often allowing the victim to win beta traps. I talked about beta traps in, allowing your victim to win a beta trap is counter intuitive. The female narcissist knows it does not matter how many battles she wins but ultimately who wins the war. Allowing her victim to win a beta trap boosts his ego and allows her to probe for weakness. Once Delilah discovered Samson’s weakness, she destroyed him. To detect the female narcissist, it is important to keep an outside frame of reference.

You must keep an outside frame of reference

The female narcissist attempts to cut off the victim from people who offer an outside frame of reference. She uses scapegoating and deflection under the guise of caring. Repeatedly on my blog, I talk about the importance of framing. Linguists have proven language is essentially framing. The sentence: The car was traveling fast in a school zone, inherently involves framing. The word fast implies the car was traveling faster than other cars normally travel in school zones. Compared to a comet, all cars travel show. A comet compared to the speed of light is traveling slowly.

The female narcissist attempts to cut you off from people who do not support her reference frame. This serves two purposes, first the victim becomes more dependent on her, the second is her reality essentially becomes your reality. Once the female narcissist has achieved this, she essentially controls the victim.

If you suspect, do not confront the female narcissist

The biggest mistake victims make is when they suspect something, they immediately confront the narcissist. Most people when confronted will usually admit responsibility, by contrast, the narcissist will deflect. Worse yet, the narcissist will feel threatened. The female narcissist unlike the male narcissist if her deflections do not work, will not lash out. Instead it will cause her to try and cover up her tracks and then attempt to entrap her victim. Her methods are usually indirect ones.

Usually, she will attempt to set the victim up. For example, she will play the victim to other people. So she will scapegoat her victim to others, tell them he is violent, prone to rage fits while playing the martyr. While doing this, she will repeatedly provoke the victim, if he lashes nail him using violence against women laws for example.

One of the weaknesses of the narcissist is they over estimate their abilities. If you play along, they female narcissist will start to get careless, while she is doing this attempt to figure out ways to extradite yourself from her trap. Eventually, overwhelming evidence will show her true nature.

Escaping the narcissist

Unlike M Scott Peck, I have not seen any evidence of supernatural entities. Regardless his description of narcissists is valuable. More importantly, he shows there is no practical cure for narcissism. All psychological therapy involves the patient accepting they have a problem and then becoming willing to take action. As M Scott Peck has shown, accepting responsibility for the narcissist ultimately results in the destruction of their alter-ego. The narcissist sees this as self-destruction.

Once you have escaped the narcissist, she possibly might attempt to lure you back. She will promise she has changed, things will be different now, do not fall into this trap. The goal of the narcissist is the total destruction of their victims, this is needed to feed their alter-ego. A narcissist is more dangerous than a sociopath since the narcissist needs to protect and feed their alter-ego. By contrast, the psychopath if they see the victim can no longer is useful, they just discard the victim. Destroying the victim is illogical from a psychopath’s perspective, it is wasted effort. Once you have escaped the narcissist, they will be baffled that their charm no longer works, in this case, they can become extremely hostile.

One of the mistakes people make is they assume they are too intelligent to fall for this. Water always wears down a rock, do not underestimate the patience of a female narcissist. The book [Napoleon a life], draws on never released personal correspondence of Napoleon. Napoleon rivals Julius Caesar both militarily and on the civil structures, he created. He set up civil structures that exist to this day and created modern France. Whether or not Josephine was a narcissist is unknown but everyone agrees she was extremely charming. Despite her constant betrayal, she was one of the few people who could bend Napoleon’s will. On a deeper level, Napoleon became dependent on Josephine for the social contacts she created for him.

The point is few men have a mind rivaling Napoleon’s mind. He could open and close sections of his mind and could see the smallest details while seeing the big picture. During a lull in a battle, he could write correspondence dealing with mundane problems like the motto of a regiment. On the other hand, he could write a letter dealing with how to set up a constitution for Italy. Yet, he became dependent on Josephine. The female narcissist is like water on a rock, eventually, she will manage to wear the rock down.

Further directions

There is a lot of literature on gas-lighting, scapegoating, projection, deflection etc. That is why I didn’t discuss these methods in detail. Once the victim manages to escape the narcissist, the narcissist will then move on and attempt to create a new life. Possibly due to social media and the increased amount of women raised by single mothers, female narcissism might be on the rise. On the other hand, modern technology and awareness might make it easier to detect female narcissists.

It wasn’t until the discovery of forensic science that it was proven women murder their husbands and children. This initially shocked people including the police investigating the crimes. Most of the time, poison was the weapon of choice for women. Until forensic science, it was almost impossible to detect murder by poison. Munchausen syndrome by proxy, where parents but primarily women, intentionally harm their children for personal gain, was unknown till the 1950’s but it is only recently it has become accepted.

Karla Homolka the Canadian Serial Killer with her husband raped and killed three girls. Karla Homolka claimed her husband was the instigator of the crimes, as a result she got a reduced sentence and has since been released from prison. Later after the plea bargain, to the shock of both the general population and psychiatrists, videotapes showed Karla Homolka was the instigator. Initially, it was believed that Karla Homolka was a unique case but similar cases have been discovered. Without modern technology, these crimes would have gone undetected.

The prevalent view used to be that narcissists suffered from low self-esteem. M Scott Peck in his book People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil was one of the first mainstream psychiatrists to propose the underlying causes are different. This is why, despite its religious undertones, the book has been studied by even non-religious psychiatric researchers.

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